fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
