Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
