This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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