I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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