when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
