I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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