The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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