It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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