Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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