I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize