I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
