I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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