Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
