If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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