So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
