I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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