oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize