mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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