I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
