Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
