my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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