I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I came so hard my ears popped.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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