I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
