It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
