i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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