Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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