I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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