If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
