Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
