dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
