I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
