ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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