I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
