i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
