I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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