do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
