i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
