I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
