I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize