We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
