her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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