Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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