I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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