I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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