i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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