Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
