im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
