iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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