I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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