I hate your face
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
