Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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