everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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