we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
