I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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