You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
