By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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