and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize