so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
