I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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