When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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