My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
