if i can run in heels then i can drive
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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