She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize