Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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