Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
